I am so sick of my current condition and situation. I want to blame and forgive someone at the same time but I also have a love hate relationship with the ones I could never cut our connection off because no matter what happens between me and them, I will always miss and rewind the memories I made with them. They have and play the most important role in my life in all circumstances. The peculiar feeling is that I won’t defend them when they did something wrong to me but I can’t stop forgiving them because I don’t know how to be selfish and when the best time to have selfishness. I am not better than them but I’m aware that I can make mistakes to them as well.
We have a problem that we can’t solve in a brief time. It doesn’t indicate we never try to find a solution but the more we talk about that problem, the more distant we become one another. The strangest experience I have in my life so far. I grow up with a problem that gets bigger too. I want to win over the argues we have but I think I am a coward because I remain silent because the most of times I know I will never be a winner from cultural perspective when I don’t give a crap about our culture at all. To be perfectly clear, I don’t like living this confusing life. I want a good and healthy relationship with them just like I never found out how I was traumatized by them. I have trauma and bond with the same people I regularly talk to. It feels painful and relieved to have a conversation with them but their voice and face are things I can’t ignore since their existence is so meaningful to me.
You know everything isn’t just fine but you keep enjoying life like nothing destroys you emotionally and mentally. Fake it till you make it but I guess I take it till I feel suffocated. I don’t want to complain about what I’m suffering because I don’t want to make myself as the most miserable person on this universe. I have a decent life where I can eat, sleep, and rest very well. I know someone else out there is not as lucky as me, so it reminds me to not to give up too soon. I want to stop feeling guilty and putting a blame on those who hurt me yet it is never easy to do that. Forgiving and blaming takes time and energy but I perceive things will get better bit by bit. There is no shortcut to go back to the time you never had an idea about life as an adult can really tire you. I thought life could be easier to live once I became a grown up but my contention was totally false. Growing up means your role and responsibility increase and you can’t always be an avoidant to everything that looks forward to you.
