“What do you look for in someone?” A question I got randomly.
“His smile because it’s the easiest kindness he can share with everyone, his eyes for how he sees himself becoming the part of this universe, and his facial beauty is like blue sky and calm sea where I can get lost anytime to find serenity. Most important of all is his heart isn’t attached to the arrogance when the world can blind him with anything anytime.” My go to answer.
I could remember vividly about all things I had gone through several years ago. About someone I let my heart carved on by. I was just dumb because I never thought twice back then and how we ended. It could be so impossible to encounter the one who I imagined in my head. I never sought anything in rush. Also, I never believed in serendipity until I met him. I did go on my life without this person ever since yet he is one of many good muses I can put on writings.
Perhaps meeting him is the last time I fell deeply in love. Some people told that I am a high maintenance woman so that’s why I can’t fall for anyone and no one could get me easily. The fact is it could be true because I have my own rules for myself when it comes to feelings and men. It’s difficult for me to fall for someone. I never complicate things but he was the first who could win all keys to my mysterious self. I am an open and private person. He helped me to go through hardships in acknowledging myself. He accidentally taught me about being kind to myself and to people who have been unkind. He could be a beautiful disaster among bad disasters I was never prepared for. Everytime I wanted to write how broken I was, all I could bear in mind is how fine he was.
I had no idea I could be in awe of every part of his world everyday. When I got the chance to see his mother, I figured out where his tenderness came from. He is clearly a young version of his father and an opposite version of my father. He has been working for humanity with all his family for the victims of natural disasters as well as civil and international wars and conflicts. He dedicates his entire life for that and consistently studying about refugees. That’s contagious passion to me. He made me thinking the purpose of my existence unless worshipping God. The more I knew him, the more I discovered marvelous things about himself. Sometimes you can’t tell if you are in love or you admire someone at same time and it was the confusion I liked very much at that moment. I do believe some people are sent to your life for a good reason and some of them could show up at bad timing.
I spent two years of dating him. He was part of my early twenties when all I thought my life was only started by the uncertainties. People would say it was boring without having many dramas or conflicts. I loved it went that way because I could grow personally and grow in togetherness with somebody. I could be totally myself around him. That made him as my favorite person and support system. With him, I didn’t feel so much sadness I should bottle up alone. He was able to calm the storms in my head. From him, I learned how to feel a bit better and to stay calm on my own. He could be warm, friendly, cold, and mysterious at one time. Friendly people can look so attractive but I’m always curious of people who never say a single word about their impression of myself. Because I want to know what they really think of me. He was that kind of person who talked less but did more in his actions. It indicated so much his impression of me while he was never good at being such a sweet talker.
Although everything I shared with him didn’t last for long term but I could write many and long about him if I only want to. As I am capable to erase him likewise. We had same love for art and photography. We exchanged some pictures we took as if we were both in a competition in our intertwined world. I was never a poetess but his interest in poetry was appealing when I got an opportunity to read his critical poems about society and prostitution. I was kind of liking poems a little too much. Also I wrote some lovely poems about him after break up and here is one of them I never let him knowing “I am sorry for speaking to you through the unspoken words, I could be voiceless among the voices on this cosmos.”
I stopped making poems about him because I am so conscious he is no longer part of my present life and I am permanently his past. I could say he is one of beautiful creatures that exists on this earth. It was my privilege to know him when he was nothing but my sweet escape whenever life tasted bitter. He was plainly gorgeous and he liked to dress simply and neatly. I am very into a man who doesn’t expose himself a lot on any social platforms as well as a man who is not a big fan of social media. I found everything I wanted and needed exactly in him. I could be more smitten with his beautiful soul rather than his look. One thing I found very calming was his smile for my bad days. He could beautify every little thing that people take it for granted. He wasn’t the one who sugarcoated the truth and that was one of many things I was very fond of him. We grew together day after day but we finally grew apart. I couldn’t annoy him far longer. I couldn’t tell him how I’ve loved myself far better.
Sooner or later, the truth you have to accept is that not every good thing will work out for you. It was not completely bad yet I am just glad we met in many probabilities that we would never had. I am not afraid of love after that loss. I am just scared of hurting somebody new when I am not ready emotionally and mentally. One small kindness can really change someone’s whole life and he did his best leaving his favors for me to share them with those who are in need of assistances. In all honesty, I felt he was too perfect for my imperfections. That could be why the universe took him away from me. We sailed life away together, he reached the shore and gone disappearing and I reached the shore but found myself.
He was uneasy person but loving him was easy to me. Though, he is my greatest heartbreak. Losing him reminded me of two boys I had a crush on when I was in high school were uneasy people with uneasy life, where the first one was a broken home kid and he lost his dad so he should work and be a role model of father for his little brother, and another one is an orphan living with his uncle’s family then he should bury his dream due to the incident on road. I never know why I could find attraction to people with those backgrounds but all the people I liked were mostly from their mindsets, manners and personalities. You can like anyone but it will only take one person who can make you truly falling in love. He lighted up the darkest part of myself to be something positive I’d never visualize at all. His presence into my life was the best gift. Remembering him is like a reminder for myself of the beauty of humanity, the sweetness of kindness, the satisfaction of simplicity, how temporary life is, and how forever his absence is. I couldn’t ponder any better ways to appreciate him than all these words I’ll never have a chance to let him reading in person. My last prayer for him is nothing but his life is always filled by cheerfulness and away from miseries because he deserves all he had been working hard for at any rate.
I forgave myself for loving him so much when I didn’t love myself enough.
